Philanthropists Wanted

Okay, so no one really cozied up to my Greatest Weight-loss plan. No great surprise really; it is the eating season and the only real solution for overeating is to get Pondimin put back on the market. (Phen-fen) I'm thoroughly convinced that lobbyists representing all the "best-weight-loss-program-ever" companies (Eat Your Way Thin, Walk Your Way Thin, Cry Your Way Thin, Wiggle Your Way Thin, etc.) convinced our government to remove Pondimin from the market. If you've had any experience with Pondimin you know what I'm talking about. You took it once a day and presto, you no longer had an overeating problem. Pretty much the same with Seldane; you took it once a day and presto, no more allergies. Too much money is raked in by the weight-loss competitors and competition is the backbone of our economy, right? Fifteen thousand companies vie for your dollars and you go broke buying the best plans, options, deals, but the best and only is no longer available.


So that's when I decided to shop for a philanthropist. This idea came to me after reading Fortune's list of the 400 most wealthy Americans and a story about Charles Feeney who gave $350 million to Stanford to build a new technology department on an island off NYC. Feeney doesn't own a home or a car. Apparently he just accumulates more and more wealth and gives it away. When I investigated the possibility of getting in touch with Feeney I found one of the Google answers was, "You don't get in touch with Feeney, he gets in touch with you." If he doesn't have a home or a car I wondered if he owns a phone, nonetheless this answer took me 'round to one of the many philanthropy associations in America. I began to read the criteria for submissions and instructions on how to submit and I thought, "Hell, if I had that much energy, drive and ambition I wouldn't be begging for funds." I need a philanthropist who just likes me or likes taking chances on unknowns. In other words, I need a lottery ticket with a winning guarantee.

But since that's not gonna happen I've been counting my blessings and trying to increase my energy level, but it gets harder once you pass the 60 mark. Ugh. I am incredibly blessed, however. My most recent blessing came in the form of cash from my incredibly generous and loving friend, Carol. It was quite an unexpected Christmas gift and brought about immediate tears. She also informed me I'm on her list of 10 recipients (including her husband, Jay) who will receive part of the payout from the $172 million lottery ticket they bought. So I got that goin' for me. Carol and Jay are living proof that giving puts you on the receiving list, big time. Love those guys.

It is fun to talk about what you'd do with that kind of money, but more fun to have it. So I'll continue to shop for philanthropists to help me get my book published or fund my other artistic whims--and pray. But, Katie, you know I'm still waiting for that guy across the street to walk over here with my $10 million. Little inside joke there.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good-night, especially philanthropists.